Well I have been absent from the blog for a long time now. During my hiatus I really wanted to write but I realized that in writing I would probably sound a bit whiney and I didn't want to come across that way. In writing now I KNOW I sound whiney but I am going to write anyway.
This has been a season of both enlightenment and frustration as well as hurt and anxiety. The type of enlightment I am speaking of is not that type where suddenly you know the right answers or have the right direction in life or even one of clarity. No this enlightened period is one that has caused me to question my core values and to question those "things" I held to be the truth or to be good or to be right. It has been one of those experiences that tells you who you are as a person and who you have relied upon in the past and to what extent. Just for the record so I don't freak anyone out that may be reading this. I AM NOT HAVE A FAITH CRISIS!!! I know without a shaddow of a doubt that Jesus is there in my life and I continue to trust him with my life. I think the best way to describe what I am feeling is that I have begun to question just "who else" I have relied upon. How much of my faith did I put into others that are, or were in my life. Just how much did I allow thier feelings or thier direction dictate my direction and my feelings. I think I have allowed this for most of my life. As I told a friend recently I never really gave much thought to myself or to what I wanted. Part of that is confidence but part of it, I think, is a warped sense of what I thought it meant to be humble or to be a servant. I thought somehow that I had to lose my identity and assume that of the "person God has chosen to do a work". Never suspecting that maybe I was to be the one that God had chosen or understand that God somehow wants everyone to live up to thier identity that HE has gifted them with and at the same time working towards one common goal as a community.
There is so much more that I want to write and so many other things on my mind but for now I will leave you as those others thoughts swirl around in my head. Thanks for listening.
6 comments:
First of all, I am dissapointed!! You promised whiney and there seemed to be no whiney at all!! You sounded very together and (dare I say it?) confident. I am one of those that think that stressing a faith makes it stronger, and I feel sad that you think you need to apologize for it. I would also love to hear those 'other thoughts swirling around in (your) head' I am just nosey that way!!
Anyway, Congradulations, and keep it up!!
There was going to be whiney but somehow my thoughts got distracted. I do promise some whiney in future posts.
I tried to post here earlier and my computer shut off. Just for fun.
So, I will only say "ditto," and "Let's get together to discuss it."
still waiting for the whiney!!
I am still filtering. I can't just let all the whiney come out in one huge clump. That would just be gross.
no that would be funny.
Seriously though, if you wait tell you have decided to ask for input, you are not really asking/sharing. It's your life, but thats what friends are for!
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